An Improvement...
Hello readers. Today's post is just for fun. I am going to look at my oldest posts and the most popular among them. I guess this is gonna be fun. So lets go
I think we will start with ' 20 kilometers back into the future '
The first sentence I have written is -
'
Hey I am posting one of my stories today with the title ' 20 kilometers back into the future '
So enjoy reading the story and make sure you comment below about how you like it.
'
I cannot criticize this line much except that considering it was my first post I should have introduced first.
Sam and Joe were talking about life beyond Earth when Sam mentioned that recently Earth’s communication satellites picked up an alien television station. He was preaching to Joe about how good the programs were when suddenly an unusual tremor shook the school. Thinking that it was because of the nearby volcano ‘Mt Rainer’ they ignored the tremor and continued their walk in the school lawn.
The phrase 'preaching to Joe' sounds a bit wrong otherwise I think it is fine apart from the fact that the overall level of the text is low.
The thing in the bracket was a weak attempt at humor. Fine apart from that.
Terrified, Joe said “I really want to check if these are the pets of some crazy, psycho, Jurassic dude, but I am really scared and I think we need to run” Joe said as one of the creatures stopped in its track to sniff the air for the smell of live meat.
While here Joe should be about 15 years old I have made his speech sound as if he is a 5 year old. ' I am really scared and I think we need to run' I can't remember if I was trying to put some sense of humor in Joe's character, if yes, then it was an even weaker attempt
In this I think I have mentioned the fact about keeping the rifle in the school for safety too early . I should have build up to that. Also the coach ordering them to go was abrupt.
When Sam and Joe told everyone about the situation nobody believed what they were saying. When nobody believed Coach had to come and clarify. Everyone agreed to rendezvous in the school amphitheater in half an hour.
FINE!
I think that the coach's speech was a bit too brief, I should have built the atmosphere.
Coach seems to have a primitive speech, lol
Why did the font become smaller?! No idea. This sentence seems even better than the previous one.
But his sacrifice wasn’t in vain. He had stalled the raptors long enough for the rest to escape before the time portal closed.
The font has changed to minuscule now. This sentence too looks like a sentence written by an expert. Another thing I want to say is that I feel bad for the Coach.
Last thing I would want to say is that this is what inspired me to start a blog. This particular piece, because it was my first post, I had proofread 10 times more than I usually do so it seems good overall.
In the next post when I deal with ' The AI War Part 1' I think I am not going to like it much.
Regards
The Writer
PS : OMG This is the first post that I am not proofreading. Wonder how it would be?
I think we will start with ' 20 kilometers back into the future '
The first sentence I have written is -
'
Hey I am posting one of my stories today with the title ' 20 kilometers back into the future '
So enjoy reading the story and make sure you comment below about how you like it.
'
I cannot criticize this line much except that considering it was my first post I should have introduced first.
Sam and Joe were talking about life beyond Earth when Sam mentioned that recently Earth’s communication satellites picked up an alien television station. He was preaching to Joe about how good the programs were when suddenly an unusual tremor shook the school. Thinking that it was because of the nearby volcano ‘Mt Rainer’ they ignored the tremor and continued their walk in the school lawn.
The phrase 'preaching to Joe' sounds a bit wrong otherwise I think it is fine apart from the fact that the overall level of the text is low.
Then all of a sudden Joe bumped into a massive tree. Both of them were wondering how the tree got there when shrill voices came from outside the campus which compelled them to close their ears.
They found it impossible to believe on their eyes when they saw a group of ( get ready for it ) velociraptors ( a species of dinosaurs) pass by the gate of the school.
The thing in the bracket was a weak attempt at humor. Fine apart from that.
Terrified, Joe said “I really want to check if these are the pets of some crazy, psycho, Jurassic dude, but I am really scared and I think we need to run” Joe said as one of the creatures stopped in its track to sniff the air for the smell of live meat.
While here Joe should be about 15 years old I have made his speech sound as if he is a 5 year old. ' I am really scared and I think we need to run' I can't remember if I was trying to put some sense of humor in Joe's character, if yes, then it was an even weaker attempt
They ran towards the building as if their lives were depended on it, which was true. They entered the building and closed the big heavy gates just in time before the big, bulky body of the velociraptor hit the gate with enough force and momentum to turn over a large pickup truck. They stood there horrified and wondering as to how could this be possible. Moments later they heard the shattering of glass and saw a four feet long silhouette coming in through the window. Realization dawned on their faces and they ran for a safe place, which didn’t exist at the moment. They knew that a velociraptor could reach speeds of upto 40 miles an hour; nevertheless they struggled to maintain as much distance from the raptor as possible. Eventually Sam lost his balance and tumbled. The monster loomed over him, drooling all over his face. As the monster’s jaw inched nearer to his face, a shadow fell across the hall, followed by the sound of gunfire which pierced his eardrums. The creature fell to its side. Sam stood up and saw his coach holding a rifle with a steaming barrel.
Everything seems right in this paragraph
Both of them were still recovering from their shock when coach said that they had kept that rifle in the school just in case some wild animal manages to come into the school from the forest.
Coach ordered them to go and inform everybody about this while he put grills on all the windows so that nothing like this could happen in the near future.
In this I think I have mentioned the fact about keeping the rifle in the school for safety too early . I should have build up to that. Also the coach ordering them to go was abrupt.
When Sam and Joe told everyone about the situation nobody believed what they were saying. When nobody believed Coach had to come and clarify. Everyone agreed to rendezvous in the school amphitheater in half an hour.
FINE!
Half an hour later all of them were present in the amphitheatre. Coach addressed the gathering.
“We are in a situation, in which survival is the topmost priority. We are in the Jurassic age! Now I want all of you to do as I say. All the students are required to pack all their dearest things in their bags. Teachers are required to bring the ammunition and firearms present in the school. You also need to ready all the vans and buses we have in the school. In addition to that I want some of you to get enough food rations, water and medical supplies for all of us. I’ll meet all of you again in the school lawn exactly after an hour. Everyone scrambled out of the amphitheatre.
I think that the coach's speech was a bit too brief, I should have built the atmosphere.
As coach had instructed, everyone arrived at the rendezvous point within an hour and again Coach addressed the gathering.
“We can travel to the present by travelling 20 kilometres in any direction. Don’t ask how I know this it’s a long story that Sam and Joe will tell you later, I told them the story while you all were getting ready. So lets go.”
The journey went on for thirteen kilometres uninterrupted after which they saw a huge dinosaur ambling parallel to them. Coach said that it was a herbivorous dinosaur and that it won’t hurt them.
Coach seems to have a primitive speech, lol
They were only 2 kilometres from their destination and they could see the time portal when a large group of nearly 40 velociraptors came out of nowhere and started chasing them. The drivers sped in an attempt to lose the raptors and the teachers shot at them with the rifles that they had. When only 12 of them were left coach yelled “They have come too close to us, we need a distraction so that they stop.”
This paragraph is good! Seems like it is written by someone with expertise in the language.
After telling this coach leaped straight into the group of raptors and started viciously attacking them with a dagger. But soon luck abandoned him and a raptor bit him in the leg, he fell and the raptors relished their mouth for the first time in dinosaur history with human meat.
Why did the font become smaller?! No idea. This sentence seems even better than the previous one.
But his sacrifice wasn’t in vain. He had stalled the raptors long enough for the rest to escape before the time portal closed.
The font has changed to minuscule now. This sentence too looks like a sentence written by an expert. Another thing I want to say is that I feel bad for the Coach.
Last thing I would want to say is that this is what inspired me to start a blog. This particular piece, because it was my first post, I had proofread 10 times more than I usually do so it seems good overall.
In the next post when I deal with ' The AI War Part 1' I think I am not going to like it much.
Regards
The Writer
PS : OMG This is the first post that I am not proofreading. Wonder how it would be?
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